I am a Human Being

Let me run through the thoughts that go on immediately post medical school exam.

1.) Anger- no, not at anyone particular - just pure rage

2.) Anxiety- all the worrying sinks in

3.) Fear about never being a good doctor one day

4.) Overwhelming sadness

Commence sleep

Wake up to this video, re-humble myself, and remember I always have at least 2 options in front of me no matter what the situation.  The series of decisions, actions and reactions to life is what makes up how we live and what the environment looks like around us.  If I chose to carry those feelings around all the time without letting them go, I would create a world that looked just like those feelings around me.  That is not a loving world.  Or, I could take a moment, just a moment, and think about my breathing and my words simply for the purpose of not creating more chaos in the world.

Coming home to ourselves in the moments where we are so disappointed with ourselves is so important yet not easy.  Think about this scenario: you are in high school, you did something wrong at school, and you know your teacher called your house; furthermore, an angry parent is waiting for you when you return home from school.  Do you go home willingly with a smile on your face? I don't.  I want to avoid all disappointment at all times.  The problem is if I don't take time to admit I am a human being to myself, forgive myself and move on from bad tests and other unavoidable conflicts and opportunities for disappointment, I'm pretty sure I take that anger out on others.  Again, that's not a pretty world to live in.

The other choice is harder and more uncomfortable.  It requires authentic flexibility: not the kind where you slough everything off like it's fine but really are boiling inside.  It takes practice and daily stretching.  With that, I need to get my stretching on, but I'll leave with one final thought from Maya Angelou as today is the first day of Black History month. 

"No human being can be more human than another human being.  You can be younger and prettier and finer and richer, but you can't be more human...in order to keep a person down, you have to be down there with them." Maya Angelou

Reading Material

"If the world doesn't start giving a proper platform for women, then it will fall flat on its face."

"A world where women make up less than 20% of the global decision makers is a world that is missing a huge opportunity for growth and ignoring an untapped reservoir for potential."

Women need higher education.

Think gender equality isn't an issue? We're in the U.S... who cares? 

The issue is real.

Donate if you want to see the worth of women increase around the world. 

Steps 1, 2, & 3

Neuro Exam #2 on Tuesday: that means a serious lack of progress, but fear not.  My jog today was consumed by how the Phoenix Fund is going to move forward (when some would argue it should have been consumed with straightening out the Cranial Nerve lesions).

For lack of time, I'll update you on my first 3 steps I will be able to fully commit myself to post-Tuesday and until Neuro Exam #3 crunch-time.

1.) Build and perfect my 118.  I will then be testing it on various professors and unexpected research subjects at school and in random places throughout the city.  Muaahaha: What's cool about social entrepreneurship research is no IRB required. (I think?)

2.) Business cards: I have a little campaign idea up my sleeve.

3.) Leap year meet-up fundraiser.  This all got started with the Leap Year Project, so I'll be having a Leap Day fundraiser party... stay tuned for when I get it on the map.

By the way- a special shout-out to Christina, Robyn, Mason Jar and various anonymi (anonymous plural?) that came through for my birthday! 

Training for the Marathon

So here it is: the big announcement.

I'm in this for the marathon, the training process; this is not a sprint to the finish line.
Rather, I'm training to build this thing like one trains your body for a marathon, and if you don't like the training part, you're pretty much sh*t outta luck.  I have fallen in love with the process, and will keep this blog and project going...indefinitely? This will grow slowly, and I mean really slowly, but it will grow inevitably.  It will grow most likely at the pace of molasses freely pouring from a jar, or better yet, at the pace of a snail. Just like The Format sings, "Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch," for this to grow right, and the way I want it to, I need to consider everything: evaluate all the possibilities for growth, and not be too eager for the instant gratification of success.

We know what happens when you jump the gun; you set yourself up not to last.  You push yourself too hard leading to burn-out.  I can't afford to do that.  There is too much to lose.

Just like the ecological model in public health, when you take time to consider all the possibilities and all the complexities, you realize the daunt of a problem, but you also understand an objective place to intervene, and you won't miss anything!

I can't miss anything.  Medical school, public health, boards studying, being a friend, a sister, and a daughter are all priorities.  One can  not haphazardly or absentmindedly try to save the world. Quick fixes do not work.

I'll take the example of congress to further illustrate my point. If you try to put band-aids on problems caused by deeply rooted structural violence, you won't gain anything but a lazy reputation by your constituents and meaningless wealth to push you further into a cycle of greed. Sure, money can by you power, but it doesn't buy real influence: the influence that matters, that changes hearts and minds that will ripple into change that outlasts economic waves.  What does that have to do with my little cause? I'm not risking anything.

I'm on guard at all times to protect the emotional and financial investment those (some even perfect strangers) that entrusted their 25-100 dollars to me to get this thing off the ground.  Living out my passion for building this scholarship fund deserves urgency but more importantly delicate care.  I have to make this sustainable and a little (seriously, only a little) practical to last.  I need to build a foundation for something to grow.  The past month I built my personal foundation.  I have affirmed my own convictions as well as my capabilities, but now it needs a more tangible foundation.

So, to start the foundation, I'll attempt to spell out the concept clearly and concisely, but staying true to my snail-like pace, and to make sure I make it to Economical and Political Aspects of Healthcare on time, I will be doing that tomorrow.  Stay tuned!

Before I leave my lair though (a computer lab with no windows or even people for that matter), I wanted to give one last thank you to those that believe in my idea, have stopped by to read my blog, and who have donated.  Some of you I have known my entire life (Gehrke, Andrea and Julie), some are total strangers (the many anonymous), and some are other young people I have met who believe in and work tirelessly for social change (Charlie Brown and friends).  All of you made my 25th birthday so special yesterday.  And lastly, a very special thank you to the Leap Year Project and LittleWhiteCoats for truly believing in me.  The little nods of encouragement really make a difference and help me keep my head up.

PS: If you just stumbled across this little project and feel moved: you can still donate, or even take your own leap! Go ahead. I know you want to!

25 Things

I do not really know how to sum up concisely the enormous impact undertaking this project has had on me.

Writing has been a therapeutic stress-reliever and a time for reflection and growth I would never have consistently held myself accountable to otherwise, and I am so so grateful for the Leap Year Project and for others around me that influenced my decision to leap.  With that said, today is indeed my 25th birthday, and the time is come to land from my leap, look back on it, and measure it.  While I did not reach my goal (yet), starting this fund and getting it off the ground has already reinvigorated my passion for changing the playing field for adolescent girls.  In the midst of medical school and public health, it is easy to lose sight of the idealistic intentions I had when I first entered medical school.  This project has brought those back to the surface, and I could not be more thrilled.

Taking this leap definitely involved some personal risk too.  I am a borderline pathological over-achiever, and anything short of perfection has always left a big failure imprint on my self-esteem.  As self-absorbed as it might sound, I really risked hurting my own ego undertaking this project, but I am so glad I did. I started this project with extremely high expectations for myself, and while I have not yet met the financial component of my expectations, I overwhelmingly surpassed my expectations in personal growth this month.  This process has actually been so moving that my perspective has shifted, and I have truly begun to fall in love with the process more than the end result: a state of mind I hope to incorporate into my studies as well.

In fact, I love this process so much, that I will be...revealing a little secret about the project tomorrow.  For now, in honor of my 25th Golden Birthday, I would love to simply share 25 things/people/events I have been blessed with and am extremely grateful for having a part of my life thus far.

1.) Andrea @ the Leap Year Project: I was 17 years old, and she was the person who told me I was worth something, a conversation I am continuously grateful for everyday.
2.) Erin Guttenplan @ Edge of Seven: Responsible for my travels in India, Nepal, Cambodia and Thailand and for igniting a thirst for knowledge in the realm of development.
3.) 6 Brothers and 1 Sister: My family keeps growing, and I get the privilege of learning new things about them all the time!
4.) Chocolate: Girl's gotta eat.
5.) Caffeine: I'm convinced it gives me superpowers.
6.) Levothyroxine: Reynauds, cold feet (literally and maybe symbolically) and Myxedema Madness need to stay out of my life
7.) Hand-made slippers from Germany: A gift I received on my 24th birthday that have been the only thing to succeed in keeping my feet warm in the winter.
8.) Dry roasted chickpeas: Nobody likes a protein deficient vegetarian (they get a little snotty and rude).
9.) My Couchsurfing friends! 80s beach parties, shopska salad, growing gardens and phenomenal exchanges. Nuff said.
10.) My Phoenix tattoo: Inspired by my personal hero (none other than my mom), it's a reminder of my roots and personal story.  My big brother took me to get it, and I will always remember that as an incredible bonding experience.
11.) My nose piercing: Done in Kathmandu as an act of encouragement for my friend, Ann, who pierced her ear in a moment of adolescent self-discovery.
12.) Donating 14 inches of my hair to Wigs for Kids this year: Shedding all that hair felt like an instant release of so much junk, but it was incredibly cool that it was turned into something beautiful for someone in need.
13.) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: I think everyone needs someone to talk to at some point in their life, and I'm so glad I have had the opportunity to partake in it.  I am grateful for the skills I have learned to identify the unkind words I tell myself and for learning how to be my own best friend.
14.) Being a camp counselor for AYUDA: The first time I learned I could be a change agent. To date, it was one of my most life-defining events.
15.) Natalie, my incredibly centered and sane roommate: I'm in awe at how steady she is, and am blessed to have her listen to my daily anxious ramblings.
16.)  Christine and all things public health: Saves my sanity and perspective on career 2x a week.
17.) Medicine: I don't particularly like taking it, but I love learning about, and one day, I will have the privilege to practice it - so cool.
18.) My medical school class: For being completely open and nonjudgemental last Wednesday and beyond: there are no words to describe how awesome that was.
19.) Mentors like Dr. A and Dr. K: They remind me that I may feel lost sometimes, but we'll all get to where we're supposed to be eventually.
20.) My relationship with music: Inspired by my dad, the way I relate to music is physical (through dance) and emotional, and is a gift I like to share with others via things like Grooveshark playlists and mixed CDs for those I hold near and dear to me.
21.) Figure skating: Has given me discipline in all aspects of life and pretty shiny medals too.
22.) Anna: Do you have a person in your life who tells you to GTF over yourself? If not, you should get one.  Anna is my person for that.
23.) Backpacking through India solo this past summer: I now know I can really survive alone.
24.) I have been wholeheartedly in love: This has led me to know I can also survive not alone, and is what I am most grateful for looking back at my first quarter of life. (Yes, I do plan on living until 100 unless the caffeine kills me first.)
25.) Anyone who has donated to the fund or just reads this blog.  I am incredibly grateful that you have ever clicked here.  Thank you for making my birthday truly mean something this year.

My own health needs a public health intervention.

Public health assignment #1 of the new semester: Pick a poor health behavior you have, and keep a journal of the behavior for five days.  Then, diagram the contributing factors to that behavior.

My poor health behavior? CAFFEINE OVERDOSE!!!

So, what are the contributing factors to my caffeine addiction?

1.) Intra-personal Factors (i.e. the dialogue that goes something like, "Must stay awake to get the grade to get a residency spot to on and on and on... or else...yikes- better just get a coffee!")

2.) Social/Cultural Factors (AKA the "Medical School" Culture)

 3.) Behavioral Factors (i.e. losing sleep due to too much caffeine leading to the need for more caffeine the following day)

My diagram was further decorated with double sided arrows and explanations of how medical school does indeed mess with my mind sometimes to the point where I just down some coffee to not think about how crazy I am becoming and to keep working.

However, medical school is not all that bad; I promise. The great thing about medical school is that I go to school with some phenomenal individuals which makes it much easier.  We are all becoming crazy together as a family and are really starting to just accept it as part of the profession.  As long as we embrace it and can laugh about it, I really don't see the harm.  It's almost comforting to know we're all going a little crazy.  At least I know I'm not the ONLY one.  And if it's crazy for compassionate care, no big deal.

By the way, the PHENOMENAL depiction of the highly accurate medical school gunner is now FOR SALE!  So, if you have already donated to the cause and would still like to send me a birthday present, there's an idea!

The Frog and the Mouse

Again, the mouse,
"Friend, I'm made from the ground,
and for the ground.  You're of the water.
I'm always standing on the bank calling for you.
Have mercy.  I can't follow you into the water.
Isn't there some way we can be in touch?
A messenger? Some reminder?"

The two friends decided that the answer
was a long, a longing! string, with one end tied
to the mouse's foot and the other to the frog's,
so that by pulling on it their secret connection
might be remembered and the two could meet,
as the soul does with the body.

The frog like soul often escapes from the body
and soars into the happy water.  Then the mouse body
pulls on the string, and the soul thinks,

Damn, 
I have to go back on the riverbank and talk
with that scatterbrained mouse!
...
So the mouse and the frog tied the string,
even though the frog had a hunch some tangling
was to come.

Never ignore those intuitions.
When you feel some slight repugnance about doing something,
listen to it.  These premonitions come from God.
...
Suddenly a raven grips the mouse and flies off.  The frog too,
from the river bottom,
with one foot tangled in invisible string,
follows, suspended in the air.

Amazed faces ask,
"When did a raven ever go underwater
and catch a frog?"

The frog answers,
This is the force of friendship.
What draws friends together
does not conform to laws of nature.
Form doesn't know about spiritual closeness.
If a grain of barley approaches a grain of wheat,
an ant must be carrying it.  A black ant on black felt.
You can't see it, but if grains go toward each other,
it's there.
A hand shifts our birdcages around.
Some are brought closer together.  Some move apart.
Do not try to reason it out.  Be conscious
of who draws you and who not.

Rumi

I interpret poetry one layer at a time or peel it like an onion.  I have read this poem over and over for the past few months, and I still have probably not reached the core or soul of the words themselves.  I think the poet can really be the only one who knows the true soul of a poem. When I used to write poetry, I tried to make it as symbolic as possible and not at all straight forward.  It was a secret code to what I was thinking, a secret code to my soul even.  I wouldn't want anyone to find out what was in it, so I absolutely attempted to confuse the reader as much as humanly possible. (Granted, let's get real.  No one really read it anyway, but just in case, I was fully prepared with metaphors that probably made NO sense.)

Rumi is a different type of poet though.  He has a clear spiritual message and conveys his teachings in simplistic stories and has an important message in each layer depending on how far you want to go. The first time I read this, I smiled.  Other times, I cried.  Most of the time, I giggle.  Sometimes I read this and just feel comfort.  Those days, I don't want to dive into the meaning.  Rather, the words just feel soothing almost like a lullaby. You only listen to it to calm down.

I'll compare myself to the mouse somedays and to the frog other days. Most of my friendships have been contemplated with this poem. Sometimes, I'll try to get to the bottom of it and dive into the spiritual core, and then I really laugh because I have often had my own inner dialogue where I indeed refer to myself as a scatterbrained mouse.

Some days, I wake up on the mouse's side of the bed, and other days, I am more in tune with the frog. The mouse's way of thinking sure does play a role in busy work and getting things done.  I would argue I try to keep the mouse as busy as possible just to keep it quiet so the frog can explore the water.

I have to say, it's comforting to know that when the mouse indeed gets in trouble, the frog is there no matter what connected by an invisible string even if it's in a knot.

Rumi reminds me of how beautiful the fluidity of relationships is.  It's comforting to be reminded that we're all just moving in and out of each other lives and that that's okay.  We move toward each other, and we move away from each other, and ultimately, we are only attached to the frog.  To me, the frog does not represent another person, but the soul.  This poem reminds me to be a friend to myself.  Be comforted by the fact that even if a raven comes and takes you away, you can actually be soothed by the frog who will always be there.  You can be calmed by your inner friend.

This is at times a frightening concept.  Wouldn't it just be easier to believe the frog is someone else?  Wouldn't it be easier to believe there will always be someone else to always be there when the raven comes to get us? Wouldn't it be easier for us to tie strings to our feet and expect others to reciprocate and tie it around their ankles too?  Is that what Rumi is saying? Possibly, but I think that might be the easy way out.  I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't connect with other people as we know that isolation kills, but we just need to recognize who is close and who is not and connect for the time being and remember the fluidity: awareness without attachment.

Regardless, the great thing about poetry is that it's up for anyone's interpretation. If a frog is merely a friend connected by an invisible tangled knot, I am going to give a shout-out to my frog, Amy, who donated to the cause.